CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF

“There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” Hamlet: Act 1, Scene 5 William Shakespeare This won’t be as disturbing a rant as you might think. I will be the first person to point out that I do talk to myself…a lot even though much of it is in my head. However I don’t have imaginary friends or hear voices that tell me to do (or not do) things or think I live in an alternate universe. It’s not that I think I’m the only one capable of understanding what I say and it certainly isn’t because I like the sound of my own voice. I actually hate my voice. For these reasons my conversations tend to be more internal rather than bad public theater or an opportunity to show the world just how egotistically ignorant I could possibly be at times. I don’t suffer fools well and have a highly developed bullshit detector so I often come off as arrogant. The word diplomacy and my name have seldom (if ever) been used in a sentence together and have been known to insult, hurt or otherwise burst someone’s bubble or call them on their shit at a moment’s notice without remorse. My blunt delivery sends even the bravest of verbal adversaries running for cover from time to time. Even at that…I’m wise enough to realize when an apology should be genuinely extended and do so without any sense of false pride, expecting nothing in return. I enjoy a good conversation (even an argument)…probably more than most. As a student of philosophy I find myself more driven every year to search for the truth in everything and less likely to buy into party rhetoric and agenda or bigoted, poorly thought out opinion generally filled with hate and egotistical bullshit. Far too many people actually have no clue what “Hedonism” really is anymore today because of this thinking and more. Needless to say…a good conversation is difficult to come by for me these days and has brought me to an unusual conclusion and the topic (in part) of this rant. This is a New Year. There is much that is going to happen in the next twelve months on a personal level as well as the world at large. I plan to approach things differently than I have in the past. I have always been a social person and the lifestyle I live in has always given me more outlets for interaction with interesting and creative people. Something I probably haven’t fully made use of so far in my life. Some think like I do, some don’t but, regardless of that fact, I intend to engage and observe them more closely than I already have and find out what really makes them tick. Then I will dutifully record my findings in my “brain” to be used from time to time as additional information for the series of rants I will, no doubt, do this year. After I’ve had time to digest, filter out the BS and run them through the truth tables that is. I have already had more lovers and “friends with benefits” than most so, I expect, I will be more concerned with quality than quantity this year. I have nothing to prove in that regard anymore but the intimacy is still seductively intoxicating and worth seeking out and validating the body, soul and mind still exists and functions. There’s another reason or two for taking this approach in the upcoming months. One is to establish a “benchmark” for myself. I will need to know with a great amount of certainty that I know what I think I know as I travel through the maze ahead of me as I am being scheduled to undergo tests to determine what is quite simply memory loss, my Cerebral Palsy is coming out of hibernation, perhaps dementia or worse. As if I didn’t have enough on my plate medically let’s add to the fun…right? I already can’t drive, stand or walk great distances anymore. I voluntarily decided owning a gun may not be in my, or others, best interest as I journey through all of this silliness so why not! Hamlet had his moments of uncertainty and so will I. The other reason is I want to chronicle this transition so that at some later date I can look back and see where and how I got to where I am at that moment in time. It’s bound to be a surreal ride anyway so pop some popcorn, sit back and enjoy this adventure with me. It won’t be boring I’m sure.