UNFORTUNATE CLOTHES

We all have them; you know the ones, purchased on an impulse thinking it was the greatest thing you’ve ever seen or it might get you through those “in between sizes” times. Some of them you actually did wear…once. Somehow or another they all quietly (and sometimes magically) and quickly found their way back to the deepest, darkest, corners of your least used closet hoping they will somehow disintegrate and disappear without ever actually touching them again and have to admit you really bought them in the first place. Women are usually the actively guilty party to this fashion travesty in their attempts to show up their friends and social contacts while men tend to come by it a little more unconsciously. If it’s clean (and sometimes not so clean) and within a certain color spectrum they’ll wear something until it rots off of their bodies. Styles are a secondary thought. If that style looked great on them thirty years ago…it should still look great on them today is the male general rule of thumb. The only reason a man changes his hair style throughout his life is because he ends up with less and less of it each year and you can, unfortunately, pretty accurately guess a man’s age by the amount of hair product he does (or doesn’t) use. This is also why “then and now” photos are so deceptively easy to figure out. Women agonize for hours over their choices trying desperately to convince themselves they’re being daring, cutting edge, possibly even sexy. “Do I even have someplace to go where I can wear this?” is a common thought that passes through their minds as they try to decide about their choices. Men, on the other hand, walk into a store and grab the first familiar thing they see in a size and color they can live with and are back out the door in less than fifteen minutes. Only patterns occasionally throw them a curve…not that they care. Women will probably only see it for the first time when the men are getting ready to go somewhere. “It was on sale.” Will be their defense mantra should their purchase be questioned as some sort of absolution from any perceived fashion faux pas and consider the conversation done and over with. Women will proudly model their purchases hoping for positive affirmation to their bold choices only to get something like “Don’t you have three other things exactly like that only in different colors?” as his eyes return to the TV. The exception to this is lingerie…as long as it’s not playoff time or a bowl game is on then all bets are off until halftime. Making an extreme change requires a courage most don’t posses as well as financial flexibility the majority of us simply don’t have these days not to mention a stylist or qualified expert (that isn’t a relative) to bounce your ideas off of. With that said, most of us tend to tweak our appearance in drips and drabs as the opportunities present themselves which leads us back to our stash of unfortunate clothes. I can sympathize and emphasize with the women more than the men in this area. I have already more than once admitted I have more shoes than most women and pretty much every man I know. My clothes are vast no different from scrutiny yet still carefully organized by size, color, fabric, season and occasion. It is not likely you’ll catch me showing up at your kid’s wedding in a pair of Dockers, shirt and tie with a jacket emblazoned in the colors and logos of my favorite sports team. Needless to say I have made some very unfortunate clothing purchases along the way from obtaining these items from time to time would have to load up several bags of hideous garments and drive to a Goodwill, St. Vincent’s, or other thrift shop clear on the opposite side of the valley to donate them and give myself some assurance I won’t likely encounter someone wearing any of those things a few weeks later. I realize what that makes me sound like but my brain can only take so much abuse these days. Part of me is proud for doing this and knowing someone will get some use out of my crazed purchases. Part of me sometimes wishes I had shredded them into rags and dispose of them piecemeal as I use them to clean stuff and leave no trace of the crime. Let’s face it…I don’t know what the shit I was thinking when I bought some of that stuff, but it seemed so right at the time (Note to self: No more Margarita’s while shopping.) All I know for sure is I have helped create a world of sadly dressed people and I should feel ashamed of myself. For all of the times I have advised people to put their best foot forward style wise in public and social gatherings I have enabled people to do just the opposite. So from today on that stops and I promise to be a more responsible contributor to the world at large. That’s only fair…right?