Travels with Yoda Part V

PART V

It’s been a wild and wooly couple of weeks around the ‘ol homestead with Yoda and I. Relatives dropping like flies, Yoda being treated like a terrorist, children partying all over the Middle East and a new medical malady to be added to my ever growing collection of body parts to be concerned about, and those are just the highlights of the non-stop fun that has happened and still has to happen for at least a few more weeks… aren’t you glad you checked back in?
My step-daughter gave me a cool gift for my birthday and sent Wendi & I to a Spring Training game as a present and we took Yoda along because he hadn’t seen a live baseball game. The D-Backs (my favorite team…I’m a home town kinda guy) were all sold out so she got us tickets for my second favorite team the Dodgers who happened to be playing the Indians that day. I’m not an American League fan but I sorta like the Indians from all of those “Major League” movies. Fortunately for all involved parties Ubaldo Jimenez wasn’t pitching that day so he couldn’t ding anyone.
So on this warm sunny day we drove off to Camelback Fields for the game. Yoda tried to learn “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” on the way over and the more he tried the more he suspiciously sounded like Grover in drag which gave Wendi and I cause for concern. As feared once we got there and were being checked at the gate out popped that damned light saber and all hell broke loose. In mere seconds Yoda turned a couple of support poles for the awnings into poker chips while yelling in some language none of us have ever heard before causing Yoda to be “detained” in the Security Office (that’s a polite way of saying he was duct taped to a chair while he was there) while we were allowed to watch the game as they figured out what damage Yoda caused and how much in repairs he owed. He was released into our custody at the end of the game and he grumbled the whole way home about not even being able to get a beer while he was there.
The next day we got the news that my step-daughter’s favorite grandmother had passed away causing for rather hurried preparations for her to go to Colorado to help her Dad with all of the things we’ve all learned come with experiences like that. A day or so later I got a call from my Dad to tell me my favorite uncle had passed away…and to get help with a problem on his Facebook account. In typical fashion…no “Happy Birthday” just an “Oh, by the way” and “While I’m thinking about it…”, somehow that seemed appropriate in a frightening way. Yoda spent the week just silently shaking his head at the strange humans he’s inherited and quietly tried to figure us all out. I think he may have killed a bottle of wine in the process but who knows for sure.
Yoda went with me to a few more doctors visits this week. He’s fascinated by medical procedures on this planet. He’s quite convinced we’re the most backwards planet in the Universe and based on recent findings by various scientists…he may be right. Several scientists armed with better telescopes and rocket propelled probes have recently discovered as many as six-hundred Earth-like planets and moons in our own backyard and new calculations say there may be as many as sixty-billion such objects within the Universe. So much for being the only guys in the neighborhood, I’m starting to think God sends all of the “OOOOPs” experiments here so we can kill each other off without bothering the good experiments. Why else would humans on the planet do some of the dumb shit we do to one another and wonder why God hasn’t intervened? Don’t like what someone says or their politics or religion? Kill ‘em. Want to have more than the other guy while killing the planet…so what, as long as I get my fleet of $80,000.00 luxury vehicles and the houses to go with them. It has to make sense to someone doesn’t it?
In any event Yoda went with me while they drew more blood …looking for what I have no clue anymore. They did an ultrasound on my heart because my health insurance wouldn’t approve my annual nuclear stress tests (thanks again Obama) and told me, contrary to my children’s opinion, I still have a heart in working condition. Then we got to the last doctor’s visit. Yoda was beside himself with glee. He finally met someone who is about his size. In walked my new addition to people with a lot of letters after their name…my new dermatologist. She’s somewhere between the height of my eight and nine year old granddaughters and just about as big around (they’re toothpicks) which gave me a less than fuzzy feeling about her abilities. As it turns out she’s great. She kicked my ass in ten seconds flat. Froze parts of my head (which was interesting in a kinky sort of way) and then got to the serious stuff. It appears I have a spot under my left eye that is most definitely Cancer and is spreading towards my eye (always use sunscreen kiddies) so she took a jackhammer disguised as a syringe and poked me everywhere under my eye before removing half my face for a biopsy (the results to be determined in the next few weeks). Yoda was only too willing to help but wasn’t allowed to due to a small thing called a license (but he did manage to get the cute young doctors cell number and they’re having dinner at Binkley’s Saturday night). After that it was off into the afternoon sunlight and lunch.
Yoda behaved like a first grader and teased me with “You got your butt kicked, You got your butt kicked…” while waving the Doc’s phone number around. As revenge I made him order from the kiddie menu at the Chinese place we stopped for lunch.
Next stop on our magical mystery tour…moving. I hate moving. This may be the death of me and I’m not allowed to help. It’s not going to be fun I promise you.
While we’re at it…based on my recent discoveries…don’t bother looking to God for help or answers. His voicemail for this planet is full and he’s only taking calls from worthy planets and we’re definitely not one of them.