WELCOME BACK MY FRIENDS

WELCOME BACK MY FRIENDS

…to the show that never ends. We’re so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside…
Emerson, Lake & Palmer “Carn…Evil9” 1974.
We thought we’d take a break for a moment and give you a tour of the inside of Alan’s head these days.
Fear not, it won’t be a very long tour…there isn’t as much to look at as their used to be. There may be a brief refreshment pause along the way but that will depend on you. Shall we begin?
The first thing you will notice over here on the wall is a general map of the brain. You will notice along our tour a map like this with blueprints and changes listed next to it. These are not finalized plans by any means. Think of it more as “Phase One” construction because things seem to change around here at a moment’s notice since the collapse of one wall recently that exposed the whole team to new possibilities.
As you can see on the diagram the brain is basically divided into five basic parts, the Frontal Lobe, the Parietal Lobe, the Occipital Lobe, the Temporal Lobe and one of my favorite spots the Cerebellum. All of the parts are split down the middle into right and left sides in an effort to divide all of the functions into two basic ways of doing things. The left side is considered the “Rational” side (something we may debate as we continue on) and the “Intuitive” or right side which is always the fun side of most people’s heads. This one you will notice as we go is a little different than most. We’re going to touch on many, but not all, of these areas during the tour, see some recent finds and share some upcoming exciting changes you might want to try at home later so let’s move on now.
We’re walking, we’re walking and we’ll stop right here. On the left side of the brain here you’ll notice a large hole with construction tape across it. If you look inside you’ll see a large empty cavern at the moment pretty much untouched since it was created so many years ago. It was only recently discovered after this portion of the wall fell down. A team of scientists were enlisted to determine its original purpose (you’ll see them wandering around here and there throughout this tour) and their initial findings are quite fascinating. To answer your first question, yes drugs were used in this research project. Long before electronic monitoring it appears all of the rational parts of reasoning, planning, speech, movement, emotions and problem solving from the left side decided to jump ship to the right side and party with them. The functions in the left side of the Parietal Lobe thought that was a fun idea and did the same thing and to complete the band the entire Cerebellum joined in.
Before long those crazy rascals were having the time of their lives…even though the Boss hadn’t been born yet. Once that happened they had to figure out how to play together and the first of many “Keith Richards” prototypes were developed which have been tweaked from time to time over the years with the latest technology (and more drugs). If you look in the door here you can see the studio area, library and kitchen which is often a coin toss on how clean it is. The logic guys won the battle over the living areas so they’re always pristine…even though you can’t see from here.
That brings us back to this hole over here on the left side. We haven’t decided entirely what to do with this space yet but have received impressive proposals from Toy’s “R” Us, Adam & Eve Adult Toy Superstore’s and a think tank aptly named “The Charlie Sheen Center for Advanced Learning”. It remains to be seen what we actually put in there. Let’s move on and we’re walking, and we’re walking and we’ll stop here.
As you just saw the left side is pretty open so a couple of ideas have been kicked around. Depending on who gets that front space we’ve toyed with moving Fantasy over here from the right side just for giggles and grins and see how long it lasts. A suggestion was also made to move Mental Masturbation over there as well and keep everyone together. I personally like it because that moves more stuff closer to the Occipital Lobe. Since the Boss is male having visual processing nearby those areas makes perfect sense. Besides that…the right side guys can use the extra space since they’re all crowded in and a little neuron screwing around might be fun.
This would also give us the extra space on the right side to expand an area whose working title is “The Department of Make Shit Up As We Go”. The department has always existed but until recently was a one person department and that was Heinrick…everybody wave to Heinrick. With all of the recent discoveries our scientists have unearthed we’ve found a need for more temporary space fillers as place savers and fill in some gaps as we move forward and continue to make sense of things. It’s gotten so crazy around here that we had to hire Julie and Steve here to help with the workload. Say hi to Julie and Steve. As you can see this is the busiest part of the brain at the moment. It’s also the most cluttered but in an odd way comes up with some of the best stuff. Now let’s go downstairs to the Temporal Lobe.
As you can see there isn’t too much going on down here these days…not that there ever has been much going on to the left side here. A lot of the group has been on loan to the right side departments upstairs these days. Initially there was a lot of activity down here. When the wall came down upstairs an interesting discovery was made down here as well. Not long after the wall came down the Memory Chamber had a brain fart one day (thanks again to more meds) and a great deal of the information was ejected into places we have yet to find as of today. Have you ever been told you have shit for brains? We’ll there’s some truth to that because the Memory Chamber filled up with it faster than anyone can imagine. It took us months to clean it all out and in doing so found a few collectables that can be viewed across the hall in a moment. For now we’re treating this area as a “Lost and Found” and Ernie over there is responsible for organizing the “Lost” requests and either matching with things already found or finding them. As activity progresses we’ll bring more of the gang back down here and gear things back up. There’s been some talk about going digital down here but nothing’s been confirmed yet. You can see in this photo on the wall that the Boss has an entire bookcase of journals he’s carried around since he knew how to write so everything isn’t entirely lost. The Boss had a sneaky suspicion they might come in handy some day and he was right. It’s been Ernie’s job to find the right journal and re-introduce things back into the memory banks. Like I said a moment ago the Boss has had shit for brains some time now and his mental organizational plan is unique to say the least but we’re making progress.
Across the hall here you’ll see some of the more interesting things we’ve found so far. A mental image of bowling with the plastic bowling pins the Boss got for Christmas in the hallway of their home, a locker combination…unfortunately we haven’t found to what locker yet. We also have the long misplaced Gerbil from that unfortunate Richard Gere incident from a few years back and…oh! The olive pitter the Boss forgot he’d already purchased. As you can see it’s not glorious yet but it’s a start…maybe.
Thank you for your time and your attention please exit through the rear to the gift shop and refreshment stand. We hope you come back again real soon. Things are always changing around here so you never know what might be here next time.

NOTE: This brain does not condone the use of recreational or illegal drugs. More often than not YOURS are better anyway and for God’s sake don’t buy them. Your doctors will give them to you for free. Be safe.