TOP GUN

Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any stranger… I get another surprise. After the past, nearly, three years of being poked, prodded, x-rayed, electrocuted, videoed, and God knows what else when I was asleep or unconscious one would think there wasn’t much else to find out about me… apparently I need to stop thinking. It seemed like each time a test was run, something else was discovered that would lead to yet another series of tests. I spent a week in the hospital trying to determine if the seizures I’ve had since birth were epileptic in nature. It turns out they’re not. Exactly what they are nobody still knows BUT, as an added bonus, it would appear I have severe sleep apnea which meant…more tests. Now the fun really begins. Sleep tests are supposed to be the most mundane of medical tests this side of “turn your head and cough”. They put you in a quiet room; stick a bunch of wires on your head (again… I’ve had so many wires on my head lately I was beginning to think they were my natural hair and have started to try and style them), make you go to sleep, wake you up and send you home while they review their findings. Sadly… it took three tries to accomplish this, because I couldn’t fall asleep. Apparently I’m the only person on the planet who can FAIL a sleep test! In my defense, the gathered information said that I wake myself up or “have interruptions” 52-57 times an hour and it would appear I haven’t slept in fifteen or twenty years… I’ve just been “pretending” to sleep at night (no wonder I’m so cranky all the time) and not resting my body and brain at all. So now (courtesy of my insurance company) am the proud owner of a shiny new C-PAP machine to go along with the body armor I have to wear to bed at night. It now takes me more time to get ready for bed than it does to go out to dinner. The machine has its plusses and minuses. So far it seems to be working but it IS a little “testy” and I won’t be winning any fashion snaps anytime soon. Once I put on all of my braces I pop on my mask much the way a catcher puts his mask on but I end up looking more like a low budget storm trooper than a catcher if truth be told. Then I snap on the air line and everything changes… Suddenly the theme song from “TOP GUN” starts playing in my head and I begin to have imaginary conversations with “Goose” and throwing clever quips around about God knows what. The one thing I AM NOT doing about then is FALLING ASLEEP! Before I can complain to myself about it the air pressure changes and begins to pulse and I now find myself telling LUKE “I am you FATHER” and start looking for my light saber… I mean REALLY?! This is supposed to help me sleep? If it is… I need better drugs to help the cause and get me there.