DISPICABLE ME

…Cute movie, I know, but this isn’t about a movie. It’s about a great many other things and whether or not I fall under the term “despicable” in some, many or all cases of my life. Fear not my friends. I will not ask you to weigh in with your opinion of my life and if I qualify for such a title. I’m merely using this moment to sort a few things out that have come to my attention of late and determine if there’s any importance attached to them in the broad scheme of things. Everyone has done things in their lives that, at one point or another, have later regretted doing or not doing. Some by design, some by accident and when the misdeed is discovered we all try and reconcile the transgression with the parties involved. There are always things we could have done or should have done better or differently or things we wished we had done when we had the chance. Why? Because we’re human and humans make mistakes and as a human we want to feel liked and accepted…unless we’re sociopaths or is there possibly another explanation or two out there? I have been called many things in my life due to my often blunt (and equally cruel) honesty. “Curmudgeon” is one of my favorites. It’s not that I’m incapable of diplomacy it’s just that on many occasions I either can’t see the need or have the patience for it. There’s no point in blowing sunshine up someone’s ass while telling them they’re acting like an idiot. Many a person who has sung my praises as a writer, diplomat and statesman over my life has also been cut off at the knees mid-sentence more than once as well. If I’m right…I’m right. It’s seldom a “shoot from the hip” answer and I will always be happy to show you where my informed opinion came from. If I have no opinion about something or have heard something as hearsay…you’ll know that. If I’m wrong about something and you can prove me wrong I will willingly admit it without anger, embarrassment, guilt, bruised ego or reservation and you’ll know that too. If you try and bullshit me or give me an “I’m right because I said so” answer…you’d better run for cover. I have often been accused of having a somewhat Jekyll & Hyde personality. Life of the party one minute…distant and quiet the next. Gracious and accepting then an hour later arrogant and insulting…guilty on all counts. I’m the guy who really cares about and enjoys the people in my life yet appears to not really give a shit about anyone or anything even though people are constantly amazed at what I observe, note, comment and write about generally with a great bit of humor thrown in. The recent additions of a whole bunch of meds I can’t pronounce have balanced some of that out along with my readings and studies of late. Add to this disparity I was recently called a “pseudo-intellectual” by someone recently and I found it more amusing than insulting. That’s like saying I’m half an intellectual which based on recent findings I have only half a functional brain may be truer than that person realized and maybe I should take that as a compliment as well. Regardless it got me to thinking…what exactly is an intellectual? So I looked around and found this. According to Wikipedia an Intellectual is: An intellectual is a person who uses thought and reason, intelligence and critical or analytical reasoning, in either a professional or a personal capacity and is 1).a person involved in, and with, abstract, erudite ideas and theories; 2).a person whose profession (e.g. philosophy, literary criticism, sociology, law, political analysis, theoretical science, etc.) solely involves the production and dissemination of ideas; [1] 3).a person of notable cultural and artistic expertise whose knowledge grants him or her intellectual authority in public discourse. I had never given the term much thought before but now that I know this I’m glad to have been called one…or at least half of one. I now feel obligated to pay more attention to what I say…not. In the same excerpt the highly regarded literary critic Edward Said was quoted as defining “Intellectual” as: “(The)…real or “true” intellectual is, therefore, always an outsider, living in self-imposed exile, and on the margins of society.” I agree and disagree with that statement. It partly explains the duality of my personality but not completely. The very lifestyle I have led most of my adult life has made me and all of us who share it an outsider to generally accepted society. It has caused us to seek out different social avenues than mainstream society which is most definitely in the margins in spite of the fact that there are more of “us” than there are of “them” these days. Yet having said all of that we are hardly in self-imposed exile. In order for us to grow and survive we must be fully engaged in life at all levels and plan our journey accordingly. I cannot write about or make an informed opinion of what I don’t observe and experience personally and neither can you or anyone else. As a writer and painter I have to detach myself from what I see so that I can make sense of it and create something of it…that creates distance. As a human I need the tactile validation everything in front of me exists…just like you do. I am my own person and that causes disparity in some circles as well. People don’t know what to do with people who travel to the beat of their own drum. I can be abrasive just by being myself and dressing how I want to dress. In a recent posting on ARTINFO.com the interviewed the long standing fashion and style icon Iris Apfel who at ninety is still an influential force and they asked her this question. Why do you think more people are obsessed with your style now than when you were younger? “I don’t know. I could say maybe they’re getting smarter. I think there’s a trend now — they don’t actually do it — for originality, one of a kind, and of being your own person. I think it’s a combination of things. I think it’s the fact that I’m older now, and people think that when you get older you’re supposed to roll up into a ball and not get dressed and not do anything. I think people are more interested now in mixing and matching. It’s a different attitude.” I know what she means. My entire life I have fought to avoid cookie cutter clothes and look like everyone else…an issue that can get you ostracized in our little world and possibly fired in the vanilla world if you don’t comply with “the rules” of engagement spoken or otherwise. On the other side of that coin…I’m too young to look and act old either. I’m nearly sixty years old. I’m too old and not vain enough to think I should look and dress like a thirty-five year old yet I don’t also want to look like somebody’s nerdy boss or favorite grandfather so finding my own place, my own style somewhere in the middle is important to me. That also means exercising good taste, a sense of self and something of a fashion sense. I feel I’m entitled to that. The opinions of trend setting lemmings and the clueless mean little to me and really don’t give a shit what they think about it. I also have no issue in my making my disregard of their opinions known which hardly makes me popular at many times. I’m one of those odd people who value the arts, literature, music, dance, sports of all kinds, growing your own food and knowing how to prepare a meal that doesn’t come from a box or a delivery person and isn’t cooked in a microwave. I love lively discussions about those things and more at long tables with bottles of wine with people who can think for themselves, have opinions and aren’t afraid to ask questions or even disagree now and then. I detest schools marginalizing all of those things over what it takes to pass some test to get the school more federal money and so our kids can text message five letter messages faster on their smart phone. It’s pathetic the phones are smarter than they are these days. Survival of the fittest has upgraded. It used to mean you didn’t get eaten for dinner while hunting for yours. Now it’s you didn’t get killed driving while texting to go grab some fast food. Does all of these issues make me despicable? I dunno…what’s more I’m not sure I care either way but I am curious though in a perverse way. What does that make you?