THINGS I HAVE LEARNED LATELY

First and foremost: It’s not a bright idea to think you’re smart enough when you’re tired to write a blog page. So many things get left out that might have actually made sense to what I wrote. My apologies to everyone who were unfortunate enough to read last night’s post.
Experimenting with recreational drugs when I was younger was interesting but expensive. These days…standing up too fast gets the same effect and it’s free. Not only that, as Robin Williams recently pointed out, we have reached an age where our doctors are now our pushers and give us far more interesting shit for free.
I have discovered there really is no difference in Republicans and Democrats anymore. They all say the same things; they just use different words while pointing fingers at the other one complaining the other guy is too stupid to realize they’re the smart ones. For much the same reason I have no fantasy to see Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi or Michelle Bachman naked. That would fall under TMI and I may never be able to sleep again. It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase on one of my son-in-laws t-shirts that says “Can’t go to sleep…clowns will eat me”.
AARP is a super secret government entity. How else would they know to send you membership information the week before your fiftieth birthday and how else would they find out you were just in the hospital and send you health care info and brochures for assisted living centers the day you get home from the hospital? The discounts are nice but I can only eat at Denny’s once a year without my stomach and taste buds revolting. Besides…apparently I look so feeble these days I get discounts everywhere I go without flashing that cute little red, grey and white card. The only time it really comes in handy are the few times a year my wife and I actually have to go near Sun City. Happy hour is still 10AM – 7PM seven days a week but to get the extra discount you have to show your card (my wife loves it she says it’s like being twenty-one again).
Sending away for samples isn’t always as great as they seem either. You quickly end up with a house full of crap you’ll never use again if you ever use it at all (the kids have developed an attitude of extreme caution when opening their Christmas gifts from us these days fearing what might be inside that we wanted to get rid of). I made the mistake of agreeing to test drive “ObamaCare” not too long ago (why they contacted a Republican for this is beyond me). I chose the $230.00 a month plan for my wife and me to see what we got for the money. Three months later a package was thrown through our front window by the mailman. Inside the box was our first monthly installment of ObamaCare. It consisted of two tongue depressors with the words “Can also be used as splints.” printed on one side, six packets holding two 325mg Aspirin tablets each, a small roll of duct tape, a small roll of silk fishing line, two fish hooks, a small packet of sewing needles, a small bottle of rubbing alcohol, twelve band-aids, a two page list of participating physicians and hospitals around the country (most places you can’t even find with Google Maps) and a three hundred page booklet of medicines not covered by this program. It gave me a warm fuzzy just thinking of how I’m going to be taken care of if this program actually passes.
Sex as I’ve gotten older is even more of an adventure than it was when I was younger. It doesn’t mean I’ve learned a whole lot of new things as I’ve aged. Most of that stuff you learn the first fifteen or twenty years of your post-pubescent life. The things you learn after that are more technique and application. Given this lifestyle I live in you have many opportunities to practice and refine those things over the years. If you’re lucky enough to develop a technique or style that really catches on you develop a reputation for it. The down side of that is you have to keep figuring out how to maintain that edge. At this day and age I can still drive a nail through a 2X4 with my manhood…I just can’t build an entire house anymore. Like many men my age these days I raise the white flag a little earlier than I used to at let someone else take over as I drag my sorry ass back to the bar to recover. In spite of that fact though I find myself in the awkward position of having to send a much delayed Thank-you note to President Obama and his health care idea, I have been able to figure out an additional use for those tongue depressors and duct tape…you figure out how.
On to figure out how I fit into this ever changing world we live in these days.